Understanding the principles of Family Constellations work
When exploring the dynamics of family relationships, it’s essential to acknowledge both the profound love and the potential pain that resides within every family system. Bert Hellinger, a renowned psychotherapist, introduced the concept of the “Orders of Love,” which can serve as guiding principles for fostering healthier familial connections. These orders are not rigid rules but rather reflections of longstanding human experiences that reveal how love can flow more freely when respected.
Order and Natural Flow of Love
At the heart of Hellinger’s philosophy is the idea that love is meant to flow from parents to children and, eventually, from children forwards onto their offspring. This natural order is fundamental: parents give love and support while children receive it. When children can accept and embrace this love, they grow into adults who can then extend love to their own children. However, complications arise when children feel the need to “mind” or take care of their parents instead. While this might happen out of genuine affection or obligation, it can become a significant burden for the child, who is often forced to mature prematurely. The repercussions of such a role reversal manifest in various ways, often leading to issues like addiction, emotional turmoil, or violence within the family.
Place in the Family
Another vital order of love is the recognition that everyone has a rightful place within the family. Exclusion, particularly when it is unjust, can have far-reaching negative implications for the family system. For instance, consider a time when societal pressures led to a girl being sent away for becoming pregnant outside of marriage. Such actions break the intrinsic rule of belonging and create lasting rifts and unresolved pain within the family. Thus, embracing the notion that everyone deserves a place can help heal fractures within the family system, allowing love and connection to flourish. In this instance, the baby of this girl could be given their ‘right place’ as the first-born, even if they were given up for adoption and not known personally.
Balance: Giving and Receiving
A central aspect of familial love is the balance of giving and taking. For relationships to thrive, especially between partners, it is crucial that both individuals respect each other’s families of origin, culture, foods and traditions. Imbalances often occur when one partner continuously gives while receiving little in return. This inadequacy can lead to resentment and discord, jeopardizing the relationship’s durability. In a healthy dynamic, partners will give a little more and receive a little more, like a see-saw with well-matching weight.
The Priority of Those Who Came First
Finally, Hellinger’s orders emphasize that those who entered the family system first hold a special precedence. This principle can often be encapsulated in the idea that “age is honorable.” By recognizing and honouring the contributions of previous generations, families can maintain respect and continuity, allowing love to pass through generations seamlessly. Honouring significant relationships, a ‘first love’ or ‘first wife’ in a blended family gives respect to their primacy. A subsequent family now has priority as the little kids need care right now.
Belonging: Who is In or Out
There is a sense that everyone who belongs to the family has an absolute right to belong. No one can really exclude you, by ignoring you, or pretending you don’t exist. There are many families with ‘missing men’. Fathers, brothers and sons who went away to war and never came back. They may have fathered a child during a brief connection with a woman. Re-membering these men, gives them the honour they deserve as the ‘life starter’ who helped co-create a precious life. Acknowledging the truth of this and agreeing to the facts, can in itself be a very healing movement.
Uncovering Hidden Dyna
Through family constellations, we can explore the often-hidden dynamics at play within a family. This process unveils underlying issues and promotes understanding, paving the way for healing and reconciliation. By observing these dynamics, one person can work to rectify imbalances on behalf of the whole family, acknowledge every member’s rightful place, and ultimately restore more natural flow of love within their system.
In a blended family, it is important to take care to see what order brings the most peace and ease to all members. This is something we can explore and test in a Family Constellation workshop.
In conclusion, Bert Hellinger’s Orders of Love provide valuable insights into the intricacies of familial relationships. By respecting these natural laws, families can cultivate deeper connections, enhance their collective well-being, and foster an environment where love can flow freely. Observing these principles can not only alleviate suffering but can also empower families to thrive in love and unity.
