“Constellations begin with seeing what is” Berthold Ulsamer
Berthold Ulsamer is a long‑time teacher of Family Constellations whose work builds on Bert Hellinger’s discoveries. His many books and writing is simple and direct, and this line of his has stayed with me for years: constellations begin with seeing what is.
Does it sound obvious to you or mysterious? truly it is one of the hardest things we can ever do. Observe things as they are, no more, and no less.
Most of us spend a lot of time trying to bargain with life. We look at how things are and quietly wish they were different. Do you have a list of ‘If onlys..’?
Do you imagine how great life would be ‘if only’ your partner changed a little?
Do you spend time wondering how different your early years would have been ‘if only’ your parents had worked on healing their emotional wounds?
Or perhaps you daydream about how life would be better ‘if only’ your child would behave more like the ideal child you picture in your mind?
Seeing what is means letting all of the extra fantasy life and let it fall away. It means looking at life as it actually is, as it was, not as we hope it would be.
And that can be painful. Sometimes overwhelming. Many of us learned early on that it was safer not to see the truth. If a parent was unpredictable, dangerous or emotionally absent, our survival depended on their care, so we may have softened the edges of reality, disconnected from what was in front of us, and carried on as best we could. We created a version of them we could live with. A version of life we could tolerate. Truth can be complex.
So when someone sits with me in a constellation and begins to see the truth of their life, it can be a significant shift. They are no longer living in the ‘if only’ world. They are turning towards what is true and real.
I have done this too. I once paired my life with someone who would have been ideal ‘if only’ he were less like this, or more like that. I held on to the fantasy of who he could be, instead of seeing who he actually was. I didn’t even know I was doing it, it was so subtle and familiar to me.
I did him a disservice by loving the imagined version more than I could love the real man. Now I can say to a representative of him in a constellation: “I release you from my fantasy. I can begin to see you as you are, and I accept the full cost of that truth for myself.”
Seeing what is does not mean approving of everything. It does not mean excusing harm. It simply means we stop twisting reality to fit our hopes. We stop trying to fix the past. We stop living in illusion.
And something remarkable happens when we do this. We grow up a little. We become steadier. We can begin to trust ourselves more.
In my work with clients, this stance has been transformative. When someone begins to take in and see their parents as they truly are, with the full weight of their own fate behind them, something in them softens. Their view of them, and their life changes. It’s not about forgiveness. It’s not about superiority. Just a simple recognition: “you are human, and you gave me life. That is enough. I thank you for my life.”
All the energy that was going into fuelling a parallel fantasy life, or fighting the reality of how things truly are, can be redirected into more practical steps.
Life is the most precious thing. When we can take it from our parents as it is, at its full cost, we become stronger.
Do you think it would be impossible to say such things to your parents, even in a constellation? It’s true, depending on your experiences it may not yet be possible. But if this truth is revealed and named and seen a little more clearly with support, it can be beneficial for all concerned. That is what I do in sessions with people, I help them take small or large steps towards more inner freedom. More truth, more peace. These are not just words or rituals, there is actual inner change and a brain upgrade that happens when you are supported and guided through this inner work.
Part of seeing what is involves placing responsibility where it belongs. A child can thank their parents for the gift of life, and at the same time leave the parents’ guilt, trauma or burdens with them. Not out of rejection, or blame but out of respect and love. It was theirs, not ours to carry. Life can be lighter without other people’s burdens on our backs, in our cells.
When we create a new picture of our family that reflects these truths, new neurons begin to grow in our brain. The old tensions that travelled through generations can start to finally dissolve. We stop carrying what was never ours. We step into a more independent and fulfilling life.
This is what Ulsamer and Hellinger both point to. Healing begins when we stop trying to change the past or bargain with life. When we stop living in a fantasy. When we see what is, and let life be life.
And from that place, something new becomes possible.