One month after Jo’s first Constellation
So, it is early on Sunday morning in Canada and part of what happened in my Family Constellation workshop in Sheffield a month ago, with Lucy, has landed in my body.
I am at a Compassionate Inquiry Conference with some amazing people, many of whom I respect enormously. I came to bed last night in the middle of the dancing, exhausted. I knew it was more than jet lag, but couldn’t name it, or feel it. I just knew I needed to listen to my body and stop.
Body sense and emotions
Fast forward to 4am and there I was lying in bed with the tears rolling onto the pillow “I just want to be seen!”. Ahh, the constellation a few weeks earlier had started to move into my body – emotions and feeling finally surfacing.
What had happened in that family constellation session? I am not going to share it all, as it affects others around me, but I would like to explain this part around not being seen. I brough a current issue with contact with family members to my constellation, which I was able to understand and got real clarity, but another thing came up with my Dad.
Interview and representatives
Just to explain a Constellation from my experience – Lucy opens up a space, this one with 8 people in total and we talk about what we want to bring or explore. Lucy suggests who or what we may need to bring into the constellation as we go along, and the different participants represent those people, emotions or parts of us.
A few that were brought into mine (that are relevant) were me, my Dad, my Mum, and my two miscarried children (cushions represented these).
Lucy then guided through from the intention, checking in with each representative and following the flow of where the narrative and emotions go. The representative “takes on” the role of that person or emotion and feel it as if they were them, it’s a bit surreal at first and can be very powerful. [Reporting felt bodily sensations picked up from the Field around and within us for this system, this family, this person. Adds Lucy]
The work builds, and comes to a natural resolution
Lucy continually checks back in with me often as I observe what is playing out. I talk about what is happening for me and any emotions, feelings, thoughts or memories that are popping in. The constellation follows this process until Lucy brings it to a natural close at a point where there has been resolution, or it is safe to end or to continue more exploration another time.
As we worked through the constellation my representative was quite distant from my Dad. There was a lot of anger present. NB: My Dad left when I was young. There was also a new understanding of my Dad’s struggles as I saw him there, really shut down and unable to express those emotions he felt. He was a bit bemused by everything and was also clearly in his own pain.
At a point in the constellation my representative acknowledged being seen by my Dad and him seeing my babies too. My Dad was ready to see us – that was really important as part of me felt he wasn’t before or didn’t care. I, observing what was happening, wasn’t ready yet and expressed that I was still angry and not ready to allow him to see us.
Lucy very gently explained that my representative is a bit further along than me in the process, which was great as it gave me hope that I may be able to allow him to see me in the future.
Another huge part of the constellation was Lucy acknowledging the shock and how huge it was when I had my second miscarriage at the same time as losing my Mum.
To have this named, seen, and heard was so powerful for me and helped me then, and now as I write, to continue to grieve. The healing tears just leak out.
After the Constellation Lucy asked me if I’d be willing to write some words to describe it, not expecting me to do that immediately. It is not an event that just happened that weekend. It kind of opens up something that then needs time to process, marinade, land. This is what feels like is happening this morning.
So back to this morning. I woke up with this thought playing in my mind
“I just want to be seen!”.
I have been trying to pluck up the courage to approach the main speaker, Gabor Mate, at the conference, but just could not. Those core beliefs from that abandonment by my Dad surfacing again – “It is all my fault” “I am not important” “I don’t matter” “He doesn’t love me” “I am not worth it” and the little girl inside of me SCREAMING “I JUST WANT TO BE SEEN!!!”. So, the tears flow as I feel what is happening and after some time, there is a shift and the vision of Dad in the constellation saying “I see you” is there.
It feels like I can start to accept this, I am ready. I don’t think that is fully there, but it is shifting.
“I see me!”
Then another thought comes in “I SEE ME!!!”. Followed by some amazing thoughts about who I am, my true self, my essence. It was so powerful that the tears changed to those of joy, gratitude, love and compassion FOR ME.
Tears of joy, for me
So that is my attempt to explain a little about my journey with my first constellation. I would say if it has called to you then why not give it a try?
Thank you so much Lucy for so beautifully holding such an amazing space and your courage and compassion in guiding my constellation.
ps Dear Reader, I didn’t approach him. He walked near me at one point but I didn’t feel the need to rugby tackle him. Felt good not to “need” to.
Thank you so much Jo Cavalot for sharing your experience so generously. I look forward to seeing what else changes as you marinade and integrate this new perspective and experience.
If after reading this, you are curious to know more, please do ask me any questions, or if you have any questions for Jo, please contact me and I’ll pass it on to her.
If you have any questions for her or me firstname.lastname@example.org
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