Hello dear reader
I’ve just reconnected with a dear friend and teacher and tears are streaming down my face. Not sad tears in this moment, but sweet tears of being reminded about whats important to me. I was really seen for who I am, my integrity, my sweetness, my good heart. They listen so well, so closely and reached beneath the surface of what I said to show they took in my words and experiences. They digested these words and offered me back to me, tenderly, to check they heard right.
I spent most of Sunday afternoon watching a film and that brought up huge sobs of mourning from the depths of my being too. It was a love story, with various twists and turns, deep passions, hopes and dreams, difficult choices and a big dose of tragic Life Happening. The story stirred up deep currents in me, unspoken memories and disappointed dreams. It was this that resonated in me, the mirror neurons in my brain. Its my sadness I feel, not theirs.
I’ve processed A LOT of trauma over the years, and testament to my willingness to attend to my soul’s health that I am sane and very healthy despite the struggles I’ve experienced. I’m not looking for sympathy, or solutions. I’m wishing to be transparent and say that having tools and skills doesn’t make me (or anyone) immune from Life, and all that it brings.
Having used these tools many times, does give me a certain confidence to go through the full experience without fear or judgement. The deep sobs were not easy or comfortable or nice to allow. Yet once I was experiencing the aching muscles, hot tears squeezing out of my eyelids and heaving heavy chest… there was a realness to acknowledge the depths of my sorrow, my hurt and past loneliness. There is a relief to get in touch with these true feelings. There is more life in me as these emotions flow, the energy moving some of the built-up tension within.
Just now talking to my friend put me in touch with more of my life- energy, to be deeply understood with care, and deeply touched at their offers of future support.
In some ways it would have been easier to stay with the pain hidden on the inside, its a known sensation, restrictive but safe. I have been a bit of a hermit sometimes, and thats been useful. I’m an introvert who needs alone-time to heal and regather my resources.
Over the years, I’ve had so many experiences of being really heard, with empathy, witnessed for My experience and helped heal through this kind and honest presence. I am not afraid of feeling my feelings. I am not afraid of being human, and vulnerable, and the depth of my experience.
I let my body move as it needs to, breathing, holding, releasing. I wipe my tears, I dry my nose, and keep listening to what is important for me to express, or keep for another time.
Now the waves of mourning have washed through, I feel clearer inside. And yes, very tired.
You may not be familiar with the idea of mourning for life not turning out the way we’d like. More often we use the word mourning for death and the loss of a person in our life. For me, its the same energy when I recognise what I would have liked to have happened, I experience the same energy of deep loss. I am mourning my lost dreams, the future I imagined that I will never have, putting my trust where it wasn’t safe, being betrayed.
The tears wash some of the hurt away, bring space where there was constriction, bring warmth to some frozen elements and flow where there was stagnation.
Tears of sadness have a different chemical composition to the tears which wash away grit in your eye. The chemicals that are released on the sad tears, in my understanding, help release stress and tension and leave me feeling softer, more peaceful, present and more alive.
Lucy Ascham is a full-time mother, who’s child lives with her half the time.
If you’d like to share how this touches you, I’d like to connect. I am not looking for sympathy or solutions at this time, thank you.