“I Am Free to Be Kind to Myself”

“I am free to be kind to myself”


I love this human

Day 60 and I’m back in the writing-saddle again.  (Is that actually A Thing, a writing-saddle? Anyhoo, it is now.)

I was wondering about how to continue counting these, this is about my days of writing to you, not necessarily how many days since Lockdown started… I shall carry on the series where I left off.

Hello everyone – how ARE you?  I’ve missed you.
And I’ve enjoyed spending time in different ways too.

So much has happened since I last wrote to you, and in many ways – life carries on as normal for me.

Just when I was ready to start writing, I got busier with more online clients and working on my business, and a new online workshop and resting, and more walking, and I fell off my bike.

I will admit that I had this voice of shame which prevented me from starting writing to you again sooner, on this particular note.  However, with the passage of time, it is easier to see some of the useful learnings from the incident, and how it might be useful for you.  I have had to be very kind to myself which has helped me get back in touch with this story.

I’ve been riding my bike for the fun of it, for the first time since I was a child.  We used to go off on our bikes as kids, down to ‘The Bumps’ in the local park and whiz around the slopes, the ups and downs, between the two trees in a circuit and laugh and do it all again.  And again.

Since then I cycled to and from work in Manchester 2 miles each way in sunshine and rain, winter and rain, summer and rain for 5 years.  My bike was my vehicle, my mode of transport. ( I love Manchester, and would always defend it to anyone giving them a hard time about how wet it is, but really since living in Sheffield for 10 years, I am learning to leave my washing on the line as grey clouds don’t mean the same this side of the Pennines.)

So my son and I were going along the bridle path above Forge Dam and he was whizzing along and I didn’t want to go as fast as he was going, but nor did I want to lose sight of him.  A jogger stopped for a breath and I got the more stony side of the path.  I put my brakes on to slow down and my back wheel slid and skidded.  Uh oh, now my adrenalin kicked in and I went into alarm mode.  Do you know what I mean?  Sweaty, single-pointed vision, heart racing…

I was just thinking, I haven’t fallen off my bike since I was a child.  I bet it will hurt if I do.  And I had to touch the brakes again, and I looked at the corner and looked at the hedge and realised I was thinking about where I was going to come off my bike and where I would fall off,..  I stopped looking at the path and my attention was on falling off.

No prizes for guessing that Yes I fell off my bike.  

I got several grazes, bruises and one massive bruise which Daniel has named Ms Bruisey.  (She has gone and healed now.)

Artistic contributions by Daniel aged 10

I didn’t want to fall off.  I tried to avoid it.  And yet I know that my thinking guided my body and was ahead of where I went.

Even a seasoned ‘thinker-in-activity’ like me, gets it wrong sometimes.

I put the chain back on my bike, fixed the back wheel back on with the help of a kind stranger, and set off home, feeling a bit embarrassed but fine.

So I’m sharing this story to explain a little about Shame and how that accompanied me for a good part of this quiet time.  And how Shame cannot run the show when we are kind to ourselves and let the light of other kind eyes see us just as we are.  The skills and tools and experience I have do not make me impervious to tricky times, but certainly help me avoid many sticky situations, and help me find my way through and out the other side of them.

I have also been very busy.

More again soon.
“I am free to be kind to myself”

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Written by Lucy Ascham, Body & Soul Energy Expert

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